PRANK CALLING EMPIRE

 Hey guys,

I recently was fired from my job by my boss because I was unable to procure enough 55 gallon metal drums and also my dad was really mad about Brady. So I have had a plethora of free time that I've been using to better my mental and physical health to great effect. Physically, I've been continuing my frequent trips to the gym. My favorite workouts are anything dealing with arms because I have huge arm muscles and want them to be as large as possible for the ladies. Mentally, it is harder to train my mind because there isn't much to train. Unlike physical traits like arms that can be trained, the brain is a different kind of muscle because it can't be trained conventionally. You can't train your brain by going to the library and reading books every day because you will only learn what is already known. As someone striving to learn unknown and esoteric knowledge, this is bad because I can only learn stuff already known by others. I instead must train my brain by experiencing new things. My first forays into esotericism led me to taste as a conduit through which I could create new experiences. Food combos, a signature of mine, let me fill my mind and mouth with never before seen creations and flavors. Spaghetti with chili, banana and chili, water with grapes, burgers with carrots, beef with walnuts. You should read those again because they have never been attempted or thought of before I made and tasted them. Now, these dishes are staples in my cooking repertoire. These tastes really helped me to expand my mind and it was obvious to me, through my increased knowledge through taste, that I needed to do more to learn. Twisting through my senses, I found another school of thought that would help me uncover unearthly knowledge. Through calling restaurants, stores, movie theaters, classy and dive bars, mcdonalds and burger king, and investment firms as well as the offices of politicians and feeding them carefully crafted false information. I really enjoy calling mcdonalds and ask them for Brice. Most stores usually have a guy named Brice, and if you're lucky, he will be working and able to pick up the phone. Now, I assume that anyone named Brice who works at McDonalds has a girlfriend and not a wife. If Brice isn't there, I explain how I am Brice's girlfriends sideman who is now having a child with her and we both will be leaving him. The person on the phone usually just says okay and that is it. Mentally, imaging Brice clocking in and being informed that his girlfriend left him for me helps my mental health. Movie theaters are ripe for prank calls where I act like an old man and complain about the most normal things in the theater. Some of my favorite complaints I like to file is that my shirt was ruined by the popcorn butter because I ordered a large popcorn with extra butter and I dropped the popcorn on my shirt and now my acapulco shirt is ruined. I then complain about the cleanliness of the parking lot because it is too dusty. At this point, I usually like to drop a little one sentence anecdote about killing a stray dog back in the day when I was a boy in the 60's and explain that it was a different time. I always make sure to let the manager I'm talking to that my wife is really mad at me. I usually end the calls where I enter my old man character by pretending to fall down the stairs or something. I tape my phone to a pillow and drop the phone down my staircase and yell haha. That never fails to increase my IQ score. I love to call bars around Texas and ask them what is the minimum age they serve. From that point, I try to extend the call as long as possible. I have kept on a woman one time for 15 minutes just asking what if's about what I could or couldn't drink and do as a 16 year old, then 18 year old, then 20 year old, then 21 year old. That call ended with me trying to flirt but getting hung up on. I attempted to ask her what time she got off, and then asked her if she would drive me to a bar and buy me a drink. Investment firms are my definite favorite probably. I usually just call the firm and ask them questions about investing. When the person on the other end gets comfortable and talks for a long period, I will call another investment firm (sometimes a pizza place haha) and make them talk to each other. This usually ends pretty quickly but I get a lot of enjoyment and IQ out of it because the investors always get really mad because they always talk about how busy they are. Haha yeah of course, busy sitting there and collecting dust! These techniques and prank calls allow me to fully train my brain into an axe with a razors edge. I'd like to recommend these tactics with food and prank calling colonialism for anyone who wishes to improve your mind. Books I would stay away from because you can only learn stuff that is already known, and you will spend your life rehashing words and thoughts that men hundreds of years ago already thought and toiled over and you will be left a husk of words other people said.